Being ‘True to Myself’ - My Fifty-first Entry

• How do you get in touch with what you really want and go for it?
• Who are the people, places and things that encourage you to be true to yourself and support your push towards success?
• Who or what holds you back through either words or deeds?
• Are there people in your life who push you to accept their view of you or the world, and then strangle your hopes and dreams?
• How can this happen?
• How can you find those who are truly supportive and encouraging?

First, take some time and ask " who am I? What are my values? How do I separate my needs from my wants and desires"?

Second, make decisions about the kind friends you want. Do you want someone who is more of a social acquaintance, or someone who shares your passions? Do you want a friend who gives or one who takes? Do you want someone who is needy or independent? Do you want someone who challenges you as a person or a friend who is critical under the guise of caring?

To be true to yourself you must avoid self deception. To do this you can accept feedback but you must find a way to be true to yourself.

Now answer some of the above questions that I have posed. Assess what you want versus what you currently have in your life. Once that is complete, write 3 goals for the next six months.What motivates you to succeed?What constrains you from achievement or applying the energy to make the goals happen?Whose goals are these? Are they yours or someone else’s (I spent a year and a half in law school trying to please my father... it was costly, unfulfilling and wasted time I could have used to pursue my own dreams)?

Be sure you are focused on meeting your own expectations, not just someone else’s.Are these realistic goals? For each goal, develop a list of things you can do to help make the goal attainable.

You need to take new steps one at a time, building on small successes to attain greater ones. In the movie “What About Bob”, Richard Dreyfus plays a psychologist who writes a book called Baby Steps. His self-help book was designed help readers avoid taking on too much. It makes sense to not only work on steps that challenge you, but help you arrive at your ultimate goal.

If you are a person who does achieve or is goal oriented, you succeed because you believe; (1) the goal is achievable and (2) it is really important to you. You can’t change for a parent, a friend or a spouse. If you find the goal isn’t on your personal priority list or you don’t think the change will really matter, the goal won’t be achieved.Things don’t just happen. Success is a process –unless you are the daughter or son of a billionaire.
Consider the following
· Understanding your skill set
· Determine your level of motivation
· List how you tend to procrastinate
· Develop a plan of action and a timeline
· Avoid distractions that may interfere with your progress
· Put the plan in action and review it
· Reward yourself for small steps toward your goal.

Today’s truth: Changing for another person is unfulfilling, unsustainable, and leads to a lowered self esteem.

I'm back

Sorry that I haven’t blogged in a long while. I have found myself distracted by life and a couple of new projects including my first grandson. So this blog is for me, as well as for others who may read it.
How do you get in touch with that inner person, that life-long dream - and then accomplish it?

Finding the Inner you first means knowing yourself. To do this you need to take some time, and ask "who am I? What are my values? How do I separate my needs from my wants?" Then share this with someone you trust, in order to help you avoid self deception.

Assess where you are currently, compared to the questions that you have asked. Once you’ve done that, write your goals and what drives or pushes you towards these goals as well as what pushes you to resist the goals or applying the energy to make the goals happen. Make sure these are your goals and not someone else’s goal for you.

Now you are ready to develop realistic goals for changes. Make sure that who you want to be and who you are match.For each goal develop a list of steps. You want to make and take new steps one at a time, building on small successes to attain greater ones.

Undoubtedly a person who does achieve or is goal oriented, progresses because they truly believe that the goal is achievable and important to them. You can’t change for a parent or a spouse. If the goal isn’t on your personal priority list, the goal won’t be achieved.

Things don’t just happen, even though sometimes it feels that way. Success is a process.

Consider the following:
· Understand your skill set
· Determine your level of motivation
· List how you tend to procrastinate
· Develop a plan of action and a timeline
· Avoid distractions that may interfere with your progress
· Put the plan in action and review it
· Reward yourself for small gains

Dealing with the holidays and the possible family conflicts -My forty-ninth Entry

Sorry for the time that I was away from this blog. I was asked yesterday about dealing with the holidays and situations with extended families and in-laws. With people having to travel and marrying people who have different traditions, the chances for misunderstandings and hurt feelings increase. I realized that for you and your partner to make the holidays easier, you first need to make sure that you are healthy. Do you possess the three Cs?
Commitment
Communication
Capitulation (the willingness to give in)

If the answer is yes, you’re off to a great start and the holidays will be easier. Here are some of the things that I would do to make my holiday easier and more enjoyable. If you currently don’t have a partner or the problem is between you and your family of origin, consider how you can still use these guides. (Ex. 1. Becomes – I must understand my expectations.)

1. Talk to your partner about each of your expectations and try to understand them
2. When they match…make sure that you both can accept them
3. If you have differences, be willing to give in (confirm that you both are willing to give in)
4. Don’t “pit” your family commitment against his
5. Incorporate each of your traditions when possible
6. Remember what you like about your in-laws
7. If you feel like there is a competition between families for your time and energy, remember you don’t have to see yourself as a prize
8. Start your own traditions…but give your family ample notice
9. Try to get everyone together. It doesn’t have to be Christmas Day. Today extended families are smaller and live across the country. They may choose a Saturday or Sunday between Christmas and New Year’s Day to celebrate.
10. Consider inviting both families it may allow for a larger and more satisfying holiday
11. Finally, REMEMBER THAT THE WALTONS WERE A HOLLYWOOD FAMILY. Life isn’t perfect and neither are our families!

Today’s Truth- A joyful holiday season may be a direct consequence of your expectations and not the results.

Understanding Love My Forty-eighth Entry

Love has always been difficult for people to define partly because there are many different types. The types of love that are observed between people include:
· Romantic love
· Compassionate love
· Unselfish love
· Logical love
· Superficial love

This means that "I love you” may mean different things to different people in various circumstances or situations. If you understand your love style and what types of love you need in a relationship it will be easier to connect with an available partner.

A common mistake a person makes is to give love in the style that you want to be loved. Give your love in a way that is meaningful to your partner and you will succeed more often.
‘Love at first sight’ or sexual attraction are often infatuation and not actual love. They are not great predictors of enduring love. Infatuation is about fantasy, and romance: Not reality.

Healthy courtship can allow you to understand each other if you are willing to be authentic and honest. The developing friendship during the ‘falling in love’ period can preserve an otherwise shaky relationship and help it flourish.

Today’s Truth: Dating skills do not always translate into marital aptitude. Consider what you want in a date. If that doesn’t match what you want in a committed relationship, you are likely to create a future problem for yourself.

Compassion - My Forty-seventh Entry

In our busy lives, I wonder how often we stop and reflect on whether we are considerate to others. Do we care about anyone other than ourselves? Do we have the willingness to show it?


Everyday my mailbox is full of worthwhile organizations asking for money and catalogs from stores wanting my money to buy often useless items. This question of expressing care and compassion for those around me is something I closely consider during the holidays which brings a sense of renewal and the arrival of this mail.


For me, compassion is an action word. It induces me to do something. It has a spiritual component that includes both going out of your way for someone less fortunate and a willingness to forgive someone (or our self)who has wronged us.


It’s the outpouring of money for Tsunami and hurricane victims. It can be volunteering at a soup kitchen, visiting the sick and elderly and not turning a blind eye to social problems that exist.


Compassion is being kind and sympathetic, but mostly it’s is about our humanness and our willingness to see others as having rights.


Today’s Truth: Increasing your other-centeredness and reducing your self-centeredness opens the opportunity to truly become connected and intimate with another person.

Impulse Control Disorders - My Forty-sixth Entry

At times many of us wonder “am I addicted to something?” We use the word addiction to mean a variety of issues. Topics from having to be home to watch your favorite TV program (Thank God for TIVO) or even feeling like you must have your favorite beverage (NO Diet Coke means I die of thirst).

Serious impulse control or addiction problems are obviously different from my two whimsical ‘preferences’. Your world won’t end if you don’t have Diet Coke or miss the latest addition of ‘CHIPS’ (Too old school?). Consider the effects of serious problems like:

Addictive smoking
Compulsive debting
Compulsive eating
Compulsive gambling
Compulsive spending
Compulsive work
Explosive disorder
Kleptomania
Pyromania
Sexual addiction
Substance abuse

An impulse control problem is defined by the continued behaviors that leads to harm but yet are repeated. They involve distorted attitudes and perceptions about yourself and the world. Each one of the behaviors listed can destroy your life and harm your family.

So how do you know if you have a problem or your behavior’s “normal”?

First, if you look at this list and conclude “Maybe this could be a problem” then you should GET MORE INFORMATION. Sometimes, if you think you have a problem, you just might. At other times you are the last to know because denial is a part of the problem.

Second, answer a few simple questions below and apply them to any of the categories. Remember that some of these impulse control problems are an issue from the first time they occur like, kleptomania or pyromania. Other issues like gambling or eating are only problematic when your behavior differs from the norm.

· Have I had problems avoiding the drives, impulses or temptations to act in this way? (I

won’t let myself get angry today)
· Have I needed to use conscious resistance to avoid a behavior? (I won’t work late today.)
· Have I noticed that I feel an increased amount of tension before this act? (I anticipate

being able to drink when work is over.)
· Has anyone in my life expressed a concern about my behavior?
· Do I feel guilt or remorse following my behavior? (I feel bad about how much I spent)
· Have I lied to anyone about this behavior? (I know I worked out for three hours today,

but I will only tell people I was at the gym for an hour.)

If you answered yes to anyone of these questions you should seek more information.

Today’s Truth: Honesty is necessary for good health. Getting further help for a problem can reduce the long term affects on your life.

What attacks our Self Esteem - My Forty-fifth Entry

Keeping with the theme of what attacks your self esteem and self worth, this blog will look at some of our established patterns of ‘self-talk’. What you say to yourself tends to be from egotistical (I’m the greatest) to self attacks.



Some people have such strong shields, they are sure they do nothing wrong, while others blame themselves for everything. Both of these are unrealistic and are considered irrational or self deceptive.

Keep in mind that your thoughts associated with self worth and esteem are not always conscious and may or may not be accurate.


You can succeed and meet your expectation and still feel as though you failed. How can this happen?


Negative Thoughts

• Here are some examples:
  
  I’m not prepared to take on the responsibility that people expect from me.
  
  I’m not strong enough to handle stress
  
  I’m likely to panic if anything goes wrong
  
  Everything that has gone well is because of good luck
  
  I can’t stop my fears.
  
  All of the work I have done in therapy and the changes I have done nothing because I am a slave of fear and negative feelings.
  
  If I expect success I will just be disappointed
  
  There is nothing I can do to silence my fears.
  
  

What do you say to yourself? Does it help or hurt?

Today’s Truth: Treating yourself and others with kindness will allow you to establish a healthy self-esteem