Being open and Honest - My Seventh Entry

How often do you say to your partner, “I agree with you, but”? A sorry fact is that once you say but, you really don’t agree with your partner. Words like but, maybe, and often, usually change the context or meaning of a conversation. We use these words in our conversations to minimize conflict, or avoid commitment.

To be transparent (open and honest) you have to reduce how often that you use these types of words. Consider some examples.
“I think the Beatles were the best rock and roll group ever.”
“I agree, BUT what about the Rolling Stones, they were actually a better
band for entertainment.”

Try an alternate that is more forthright: “I liked the Stones even better.”
Another alternative: “The Beatles were great. I believe that the Who were the
greatest of their era and I like Nine Inch Nails for current music.

In a good relationship, honesty is the best policy. It allows you to know your partner’s
actual feelings. If you can share how you feel, while remaining kind, you have taken a big step to becoming a great communicator.

When is the last time you couldn’t be honest with your partner?

What would you be willing to do to change your interaction?

When can you start?

Today’s Truth: You can’t truly believe anything a person says before the word BUT. When you hear, “you’re right, but”, or “I love you, but”, be careful not to feel too safe.

Protecting Your Self Esteem - My Sixth Entry

Taking responsibility for things that we aren’t to blame for is a major problem if you have self esteem problems. The belief that we can be the cause of another person’s pain and anguish means that we should have the power to take away another person’s pain just by changing our words or actions.

I wish it was that simple! Then there would be no personal responsibility for how we feel and act. We do have an impact on those we are close to, but many factors have an influence the other person’s feelings and opinions. These include each person’s perception, self esteem and a variety of other factors.

While you have to recognize you impact on others you make an error by accepting the blame for another’s pain, fear, jealousy, etc. Anyway if you take responsibility for their pain will they let you take credit for all their joy and successes? I think not. Be proactive in your relationships and assert yourself. Ultimately, you are only accountable for your own behaviors.
Ask yourself, when have you taken responsibility for situations that really weren’t your ‘fault’?
What made you do that? (Consider thoughts like, “I was willing to placate my partner” or “I feel like I’m always to blame for conflict”)
Remember that if you change your behavior, others may have difficulty with your changes because their used to making you responsible for their pain.

Today’s Truths: If you don’t share power in your relationship you don’t have a healthy relationship. Sharing means accepting responsibility for your own behavior while being willing to give to your partner.

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My Fifth Entry - Managing Risk

Assessing and successfully managing personal and professional risk is a way to understand a healthy life. Christopher Columbus had to decide to let go of the dock before he could search for a new route to India. He assessed the risk, made a mistake and still changed the world. Sometimes we live in fear of risk and change. Some of us want a guarantee of success before we take a risk.

Don’t we wish that we could predict the future? ... “And next week’s lottery numbers are...”

However, we can’t foretell the future so we’re forced to weigh our options and make the best decisions we can. This is true for dating, taking a new job, buying a car or any of the thousands of choices we make in a year. Consider exactly what calculated risks are! They are decisions we make based on who we are, our skills, research, timing and the needs of others that we care about.

The more you review (to a point) the better chance you have of making a decision that you can live with. However, if you over-assess a situation, you could get stuck in a ‘Paralysis of Analysis’. This is where you get trapped in the decision process with no resolution, no exit and no chance for success.

If, on the other hand, you take the path of least resistance, try to always please someone else, or let others make the decisions for you, you can render yourself becoming powerless, resentful, and with reduced self-esteem.
What steps can you take that will give you the best chance of making the best decisions possible? Consider this 8 step decision making process.

1. Analyze the opportunity – define it, research it, consider its possible choices and assess the reasonable

options
2. Choose one decision you could make
3. Write possible ways you can implement your decision
4. Choose and implementation strategies
5. Practice with a friend or family member
6. Implement your decision
7. Evaluate your success and failure
8. Use the new information to continue to make the best decisions you can make

If you want, pick an opportunity for personal change and use the strategies above.

Today’s Truth: Any quantity of alcohol or drugs will affect your judgment. One way to improve your ability to predict good decisions is to limit your substance use. With prescription medication that are design to modify your mood, thoughts or feelings, work closely with your MD to avoid problems. Question what is being prescribed and develop a rapport with him/her to increase your chances of having a clinical partnership that will benefit you.

My Fourth Entry - Becoming Open and Honest

Being Transparent with those you care about is essential to a healthy relationship. This concept is about being open and honest. It includes a willingness to be clear and available. Transparency helps you avoid behaving in ways that could damage the connections you have or want.

Deception, compulsion and affairs can’t exist in an environment where each partner is transparent. A person once said to me that the way he stayed healthy was to act in ways that his mother or father would find respect. This allowed him to exhibit behaviors that were value based and not centered on what he described as “the sins of lust, greed, arrogance, laziness, or self-centeredness.” While you may not agree with many of your parents’ values, he felt that his parents had a high degree of integrity, civility and dependability. He was aspiring for these qualities in his life.

Take this time to grade yourself on being transparent from F-A:

F D C B A

If you rated yourself a B+ or less then this concept may need your continuing consideration.

How can being transparent help improve your life?

What are the reasons why is may be difficult to be open and honest with your other?

If you find that your answer to the question above includes that you don’t want to share your past behaviors you regret, consider starting with your current life. Don’t let your past stop you from being healthy NOW. If you aren’t sure you want to share certain things, don’t... until you determine if the person is a safe person who has a right to know.

Today’s Truth. If you are lying to others, you are lying to yourself. It is a constant about our lives that we risk self-esteem, relationships and even our freedom if we can’t live a truthful, respectful life that is free from the duplicity that can make for stress and isolation.

My Third Entry- Taking Charge of your life

I see so many people who are reacting to situations, people and/or ideas. They believe they are never in charge of what’s happening to them. This leads to feelings of powerlessness, frustration and at times even depression. They don’t seem to enjoy their lives because they believe they have little or no input.
Your ability to become proactive in your life is essential to being healthy. When you set your own agenda and goals or work with your partner to develop a mutual plan, you can become empowered. Even if you don’t have the final say, just having your say and feeling listened to can help.

While you don’t always have total control over your situation you almost always have choices. A decision to participate is almost always yours. Even in a relationship, if your partner demands that you do it his/her way, you can say no. There will be a reaction, but you can decide that this way...or this relationship isn’t healthy. Don’t ever give your choices to someone else, it will harm your self-esteem and make you powerless.

Today’s Truth: The only constant in each of your relationships is YOU. Whether your relationships are healthy or not depends on who you are, who you choose and what you give to the connection. Accepting this truth can be freeing because you realize that if you change, so can the relationship.

My Second Entry - Finding balance in your life

Work and life balance is essential for me to be ... balanced. (If that’s not obvious I don’t know what is.) Each of us will find this differently. Choose a way of experiencing your life, don’t just struggle through it. I took the opportunity to balance my life over the last week through travel. We went to New York City to see my son and to celebrate Father’s Day as a family. (There are 5 of us with my son-in-law, Jeff) Normally when we go to New York, we get involved in its fast pace. Friday was different.
We went to the New York Botanical Gardens in the Bronx. It was amazingly beautiful and peaceful. They have over 200 acres of greenery and an amazing exhibit of Roses...I don’t really love roses...but this was spectacular! Different sizes, colors and shadings. It was well worth the time and the Bronx Zoo is next door. I want to see the Zoo the next time I have a chance.
Since I call this blog Workbook For Living, I thought it might help if you consider what you do to balance your life. Consider how you use your time. What are your activities in the following areas?
· Fun activities
· Work
· Family
· Personal enhancement (reading, education, etc.)
· Exercise
· With friends
· Relaxation
· Sleep
· Spiritual activities
Take some time and ask if you have a balance between the tasks you must do and the activities that you want to do.

Today’s Truth: Over time, our life changes whether we are prepared for it or not. There are four types of life change categories: (1) Expected changes that make us happy; (2) Expected changes that make us unhappy; (3) Unexpected changes that make us happy; (4) Unexpected changes that make us unhappy. Managing to balance your life can allow changes to be smooth and less traumatic and stressful.

My first entry

My career as a psychologist and addictions counselor has brought me much joy. I continue to learn many life lessons from the people I work with personally and professionally. I have also learned much from my family of origin and the family I co-created with my wife Susie. We have been together for 36 years after meeting in college. My kids (adults) are fun to be with and are leading great lives. My daughter teaches 4th grade in Birmingham, Alabama and lives with her husband. My son lives in New York City and is an actor. He can currently be seen on Broadway in ‘A Chorus Line’.

Today’s Truth: To live a full life, you must participate, not just observe. I learned this early in my life. Since time is the only non-renewable resource we have, we need to use it wisely. That doesn’t necessarily mean work, work, and more work. It means engaging in life. Staying active will help you become healthier and happier.