How does anger affect your relationships? My twentieth entry

We have ‘The View’ (ABC) on TV at the office and Friday they were talking about Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED) and how it is more common than people realize. They shared it is twice as common among men (1:10) than women (1:20). But what is it? How can a person modify this behavior? How do you cope with it if a partner or friend has IED?

The first time I saw a client with this disorder was more than 25 years ago as a referral from his employer. This very religious man became periodically outraged for no apparent reason. It happened more often at work, but had also created problems at home and with friends. His attempt to utilize his religious beliefs to manage his anger was partially successful, yet people could trigger such rage within him that he threatened to’ kill’ a coworker.

Like others with this problem, this man was unable to resist his aggressive impulses that resulted in his destruction of property, threats against others, and anger which was abnormally intense.

In therapy, our first goal was to understand the causes and the triggers of his behavior. He fit a causal pattern that I have seen in many individuals.
1. They come from abusive, often alcoholic families
2. There is violence between family members at an early age
3. They are often tormented as children

The triggers to become rageful were also documented with others:
1. Increased or sudden stress
2. Sudden changes in life
3. Intense feelings of depression, anxiety, or fear
4. Interaction with his family of origin

Our second goal in herapy was to resolve this issue which meant control his behavior and/or reduce the triggering events.

With the man I described, he was placed in a less stressful job at work. Next, he developed a list of physical symptoms that seemed to begin just before his feeling rage (tingling, tremors, mental cloudiness, tightness in the chest, pressure in the head). This way he could be prepared and avoid reactive angry outbursts.

He began to understand how his hated behaviors were learned in childhood. Finally, he reassessed interactions with others that he believed were threatening, he used his spiritual beliefs to provide support and encouragement, and he developed a support system that he trusted as part of his 'early warning' process.

Using these techniques, he regained control over his anger and has had no relapses into rage behaviors since.

Not every person is as successful with structured anger management treatment, yet vigilant awareness, action from professionals and a support network can help a person avoid outbursts of rage behaviors.

Today's Truth: Don’t threaten an action; do or don’t do. Threats ring hollow and don’t reflect healthy boundaries.

Coupling - My Nineteenth Entry

I saw a couple this week who felt their problems were unique, although their issues were quite familiar. They were fighting with each other because they saw the other as insensitive, controlling and troubled. As they were pointing their fingers at each other, I thought to myself, here were two victims who have no ownership of their responsibility for the drama.

It is well documented that men and women perceive things differently. In this case, I asked the partners’ to consider how they would have responded to these problems if they were still dating?

They looked at me like I had 2 heads. I explained that people seem to be nicer to each other and are more compromising before we make a true commitment to the relationship. They looked at each other and they started to shake their heads acknowledging that they had fallen victim to this problem.

This changed their interaction and they began to treat each other like friends. As they accepted responsibility for their own behaviors, the relationship improved.

Today’s Truth: In a relationship, you’re more likely to influence a partner’s behavior when they are trying to attain your trust love and respect. Use the skills you learned as you tried to connect with your partner in sustaining your relationship. Compromise, compliments and giving in at times go a long way to let the other person know that you care. Try it...you might like it!

Shoulda , Woulda, Coulda - My Eighteenth Entry

I’m sure you’ve said to yourself “I should have done this”, or “I would have done that”, or “I could have done this if only” ....Each of these statement is the kiss of death because you can’t reclaim the past like you would a coat at the coat check stand of a restaurant.

I talk to people who feel guilty about the past without a clear path to avoid these mistakes again. Guilt never created an opportunity to develop new behaviors it only attempts to punish you for past bad behavior that happened before, in hopes that they won’t recur.

If you focus on your current situation and commit to change you can be better.

List one past behavior that you want to change.
Why do you want to change this behavior?
What could cause you to return to this behavior?
What are three steps you can take to avoid it happening again?
Can you commit to these steps?
Do you have someone who would be a support person? This person must be non-judgmental about your past behaviors and will be able to help you stay accountable.

Start now! Remember it takes time for change to feel normal.

Today’s Truth: The past doesn’t control the present, but it does influence it. If you don’t learn and resolve issues from your past, you won’t be able to enjoy the present. Never believe that what happened before will not repeat itself. The best indicator of the future is the past and history repeats itself. You can change you with perseverance and assistance.

Take Notice of the Person You Love - My Seventeenth Entry

I actually wrote this blog before my last blog where I talked about losing my Dad. It made this all the more real to me.

I was speaking to someone about how he felt disconnected from his partner and wanted to find a way to let her know that he cared. He was interested in her as both a person and a romantic partner.

There are obvious ways to show others that you love and care about them. The key is to find the way that makes sense to them. You want to do something that resonates with them, not which would work for you.

When my father said I love you, when my kids want to spend time with me or when my wife tells me I’m cute (no, she isn’t blindJ) these let me know that they’re present to my needs.
Several books have been written about love styles, but before you purchase a book consider a few simple steps.

1. Consider your audience. As I pointed out before you want to hear different things from different people.

2. Listen. What has your partner already told you about what is important?

3. Don’t wait. You don’t want to miss your opportunity.

4. Be Assertive. Ask your partner what s/he would like.

Hint: If you’re a man, SAY JEWELRRRRRRRRRRRY
If, you’re a woman SAY ELECTRONNNNNNNNICS

5. Be thoughtful. Most of us work for a living and have jobs, we aren’t independently wealthy. It’s ok to get a card. Just make it thoughtful, and sign it.

6. DON’T REGIFT. To those you truly love this will be considered an insult.

Today’s truth: If you allow yourself to find your passion, it will be easier to sustain than trying to maintain someone else’s passion.

Loss with Memories That Bring Joy - My Sixteenth Entry

I am writing this while sitting on an airplane headed for Miami Florida and my father’s funeral. My wife, Susie is next to me and my kids and son-in-law are meeting us. I am experiencing a profound sense of loss and sadness over my father’s death and as I write this, tears are sometimes streaming down my face.

As I think about my father, I am remembering the joyful times, the funny experiences and the love he had for his boys and their families. My dad lived 79 years and survived until he was 81. He wasn’t the happiest man in the world and his life wasn’t filled with amazing successes. He was intensely insightful, talented, thoughtful and artistic. He loved sailing, photography and sculpture.

He would have been better suited as an artist or a musician, but like many men who grew up in the depression and served in World War II, he took responsibility and family as a higher calling. He and my mother raised 3 sons of which I am the oldest, most compliant, shortest, baldest and best looking (ha-ha). He wanted his sons to enjoy the success that he didn’t. We each became doctors with great marriages and kids. I guess he got his wish.

Like with all father son relationships, we didn’t see eye to eye, yet I am what I am today because of him. When he gave you ‘the look’ with his stone pale blue eyes, you knew you had to pay attention. I played violin. I became an Eagle Scout. I attended law school. All these were partly to please him. These three experiences and many others were valuable and have had lasting positive effects on my life.

It was cathartic when I quit law school at the end of my 3rd semester. After several fearful days, this 26 year old man with 2 college degrees called his dad to tell him that “I was quitting law school”. I didn’t flunk out, I quit. I hated it! When I told him, his disappointment was palpable, yet what he said was that he only wanted good health happiness and success for me. This decision gave me the freedom to find my own joy, which I have found in counseling psychology, writing and giving talks.

My dad loved his family and was proud of his 3 sons, 3 daughters in law and 6 grandchildren. His Parkinson’s disease robbed him of many things; his art, his voice and his independence. What it could not steal and won’t ever take is his enduring effect on me. There is no doubt that he is in a better place now. The last 2 years were nearly unbearable for him and for us. Yet I choose to remember what is truly important.

· I remember his being a great scout leader and our camping trips when I always had a dry tent.
· I remember his watching 3 baseball games in the sweltering Miami heat even though he hated baseball.
· I remember his driving 350 miles to see his oldest grandson in a national dance competition
· I remember his spending a week in the basement of my home so that his granddaughter could have the lights she wanted in her dollhouse. (Unfortunately, I didn’t inherit the mechanical skills.

Thanks Dad, I owe you for the person... the father I am today. I love you now and I always will.

Accepting Your Creativity: Second Edition – My Fifteenth Entry

Let’s consider what we can do to increase our creativity. Torrance (1974) developed a series of simple tests which were scored using four criteria:

Fluency. The number of meaningful and relevant ideas to a stimulus.

Flexibility. The number of distinct categories of relevant answers.

Originality. The rarity of the individual responses.

Elaboration. The level of detail in the answers

Consider those 4 concepts and add what Amabile theorized was necessary to enhance creativity in business:

Expertise

Creative thinking ( flexible problem solving)

Motivation

To increase both of these, consider these techniques that have been used. Some will seem organized, while others will seem ‘outside the box’. They are randomly listed.

1. Establishing objective

2. Cultivate a hobby that would be unusual

3. Try foods that you never tried before

4. Stimulate your curiosity

5. Motivate yourself by deciding the things that you want

6. Find friends that are willing to take risks

7. Ride in a hot air balloon

8. Listen to music that is complex yet beautiful ( that means no headbanging)

9. When you have an idea brainstorm with people you trust, the idea will improve and increase your creativity

10.Carry a notebook and pen or use a PDA to write down Ideas

11.Take time everyday to just THINK

12.Learn to dance

13.Listen to language tapes

14.Don’t watch TV for a week

15.Spend time reading the classics

16.Challenge your political beliefs to expand your ability to think critically

17.Define each problem

18.Exercise it will help the brain cells

19.Go on a vacation to someplace new

20.Change your schedule

Today’s Truth: If you compare your inner feelings to how someone else looks or talks you will often be tricked into feeling like a failure. Letting go of old fears of failure can help to become more creative. Our fears seem much more like little deaths than any failures that we can surely recover and learn from.

Accepting Your Creativity - My Fourteenth Entry

I gave a seminar today for United Healthcare about creativity and found the information got me to think... Creativity can be defined as having originality or inventiveness. It can also be seen as having vision or being resourceful. Whatever it means to you, you probably know that you are less creative as you age.....wrong.

The truth is that we block our creativity by our structure and our unwillingness to let go of some preconceived ideas.

For example: If I ask you to add one line to change the number VII to 8 you would most likely respond by VIII. Now if I said add one line to IX to make 6 you might be stymied. Logically, you would assume that I want a Roman numeral 6..........but, I never said this. What if you respond by adding an S to the beginning of IX and you get S IX or a 6 to the end of IX and you get a math mathematical equation...IX6 I X 6 =6.

Now you are thinking differently.

With 90% of 5 year olds considered highly creative and only 2% of 45 year olds considered highly creative it only stands to reason that we have lost the willingness to be creative. But, why?

It’s possible that we have established unnecessary limits because of our mores or values. More likely we don’t want to risk failing. Research suggests that creative people make more mistakes than the rest of us. What if we thought about risk as being innovative or as experimental? It might change our thoughts about taking creative chances.

Creative people are willing to try and fail because they know that ‘failure is not final’
1. Now ask yourself, what would I do to change my current job situation?
2. Then list three possible solutions to the problem.
3. Choose one step you would be willing to try to make the change you identified (You’ve still got two back up options if this one doesn’t work).
4. Finally, consider how you market your idea to the management, i.e. it might cost more, but its increase in productivity offsets any expense.

Today’s Truth: Creativity is only limited by the boundaries we place on our thinking because of our fear of failure. Creativity is less a ‘brain storm and more a process that combines Preparing, Developing, Explaining and Sharing.

Helping a Child Develop Good Self-Esteem - My Thirteenth Entry

My twelfth entry was about improving our own self esteem. It got me to consider how adults affect a child’s self-esteem. We can help a child as parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles or even as a neighbor. Self-esteem appears to be developed because of a number of factors. Some of these are genetic while others are learned. In the battle between nature and nurture you can see that each is important. You won’t be a great athlete or a rocket scientist without good genetics, but you can be good at these activities if some show an interest in helping you as a child and you have the motivation.

These are a list of some factors that affect a child developing good self esteem.

The child needs to feel safe
The child must be able to explore
The child must feel a sense of predictability in his/her environment
A child must be allowed to fail to see that s/he can succeed
A child must be encouraged to finish what they have started
A child needs unconditional love from those who nurture him/her
A child needs discipline
A child needs love and involvement from both parents
A child needs to feel as though they are special
A child builds better self-esteem when their environment has organization

Today’s Truth: The more things change, the more they stay the same. Early intervention with a person’s self-esteem can make it easier to change. When adults change they need be be patient. Change takes time, perseverance and commitment.

10 steps to better self- esteem - My Twelfth Entry

• Consider how you may have developed your current self esteem. Some people have many successes and continue to feel insecure and uncomfortable about whom they are. Others have many failures and continue to believe that the success they are looking for is just around the corner. Their self esteem remains intact.
  
  Why? In both cases, the answer probably lies in what they learned early in their lives.
  
  As an adult, changing self esteem is very difficult. Your self-esteem is tied to your feelings of self worth and your attitudes about your potential for success at a given time.
  
  There are three ways to change you.
  · Change your behaviors
  · Change you attitudes
  · Change your feelings
  You have to work very hard to change behaviors. Since you can change your behaviors more easily than your attitudes and feelings, imagine the difficulty you may have altering your attitudes and feelings. The way you see yourself (self esteem) is an attitude that has the direct affect on how you feel about yourself.
  
  How does someone committed to improving their self esteem move forward?
  
  Consider ways that you can implement all or some of the following.
  
  Develop a positive lifestyle that you can be proud of
  Aspire to grow while you inspire others
  Assess each situation before you act
  Be honest with yourself and live consistent with your values
  Continue lifelong learning, it will keep you sane
  Give yourself credit for your successes
  Learn from your failures, including that failure is never final
  Express your feelings in a caring, respectful way
  Take care of your self
  Maintain a circle of friends and family
  
  Which ones can you commit to?

It could take months or years to change what has been so ingrained so BE PATIENT with yourself.

Today’s Truth: A willingness to try new things like friends, food activities, sex, vacations, sports, etc. will let you grow and evolve. If you take responsibility for growing as a person you can appreciate your life more.

Understanding if you are Co-dependent - My Eleventh Entry

Codependency begins with being attracted to and/or developing a relationship with an unhealthy person. The term codependency has been used since the late 1970’s. Along with the related term co-addiction, it was originally used solely to describe spouses of alcoholics and addicts. By the mid 1980s the term was expanded to include anyone who lives with addiction in their family existed.

One of the results of growing up in an unhealthy family is the risk of becoming codependent. Codependency is defined as a preoccupation and dependency on a person or an object. It relates to an individual depending solely on a partner for their self esteem. It often becomes a pathological condition where all relationships are co-dependent.

For the codependent, the struggles of a partner can so affect you that your mental energy is directed towards helping the other person at you own expense. If you are codependent you can become so absorbed by the other person that you disregard your own interests, hobbies, health, family or friends. It results in the person’s energy, esteem, sense of power and self concept focused on pleasing and protecting the other highly dysfunctional person You may dress for your partner, cut your hair specifically for him/her or adopt his/her hobbies even if they conflict with your values or needs.

You can never fully succeed at satisfying another person. I have seen women have surgery, change hair color eliminate contact with family and friends all in pursuit of pleasing the wrong person. Each time it led to personal failure and intense feelings of failure.

It is extremely difficult to stop codependent behaviors because the fears of rejection or abandonment are so intense that it impacts directly on your ability to be honest or have a healthy relationship. This doesn’t even consider that you have isolated yourself from your support network to be with him. There are numerous documented cases where a severely codependent person will put herself at financial, legal, physical, or spiritual risk just to do what she believes will please the object of her attention: a disturbed man.

In order to understand this, you need to understand the major symptoms of codependency. They include:
· Denial
· Compulsive behaviors
· Dysfunctional relationships
· Shame
· Obsession
· Guilt

Today’s Truth: You must have clear boundaries and expectations before your marriage. Women are often perceived by men as nagging, manipulative, and never able to be satisfied. Men are perceived as distant, thoughtless and self-centered.

What are addictive behaviors -My Tenth Entry

Alcoholics Anonymous described alcoholism in terms of obsession and compulsion. Experts in the addictions field see addictions as recurring actions a person does that continue in spite of the consequences of the actions. Still others focus on how the person’s life becomes uncontrollable.

These definitions acknowledge that the actions a person takes or the substance s/he ingests medicates. It is only when the person is withdraws from the activity that s/he even acknowledges a problem. Recover is complicated because the very thing that creates the problem, the addiction, is the same thing that provides the relief (e.g. the compulsive eater eats two bags of potato chips to relieve the pain of being obese.).

How serious is the problem? Look at it two ways. First, about 6 to 10% of the adult population in the US is addicted. That means that as 20million people. Second, if you or a family member is addicted, you don’t care about how many other addicted people there are, you just know that your life is miserable because of the compulsion.

There are many web pages that can help you decide if you or a loved one has an addiction. Here are the major stages for those who suffer from addiction.

Stage I
Changes in behavior pattern
Changes in mood related to addictive behaviors or the times between active addictions
Feelings of shame and guilt
Becomes delusional (denial of problems that clearly exist)

Stage II
Justifies the unjustifiable
Violates core values and beliefs (lies, cheats, steals)
Withdraws from friends who don’t participate in behaviors
Loss of control

Stage III
Emotional or mental breakdowns
Loss of health, job and/or family
Suicidal feelings

Common Addictions

Drugs

Alcohol

Food
Gambling

Money

Sex /Pornography
Exercise

People

Religion
Gaming

Internet

If you or someone you know has these symptoms, seek help immediately. You can find resources in your local phonebook.

Today’s Truth: Being patient is doing something while you’re waiting. It’s not agonizing silently as you hear the seconds tick by. When you have to wait, bring something to do. This way your one non-renewable resource (time) will not be wasted.

Understanding Abusive Relationships - My Ninth Entry

If you’re dating you run the risk of becoming involved with someone who is dysfunctional or has the potential to be abusive. I want you to consider the list below which can act as a warning system to recognize when you are in danger of making a mistake. The following questions can help you to identify an abusive/dysfunctional relationship. Print this list and then check any that apply.

* Is this person jealous or possessive of you and your time?
* Does this person try to control you by intimidation (either verbal or non-verbal) or by being domineering or interfering in personal decisions?
* Has this person attempted to isolate you by insisting that you severely limit social contacts?
* Does this person prevent or disapprove of you working, interacting with friends, having your own money or attending school?
* Does this person pressure you sexually or demand sexual experiences that make you uncomfortable?
* Does this person currently use drugs or alcohol excessively?
* Has this person used in the recent past?
* Have you noticed that your use of alcohol and/or drugs has increased since you began the relationship?
* Does this person claim that you are responsible for his/her emotional state?
* Do you seem to get the blame for being mistreated?
* Does this person have a history of violence directed towards people, things, or animals?
* Does s/he lose his/her temper quickly?
* Have your family and friends warned you about this person?
* Has this person ever threatened to hurt you, your children or pets?
* In this relationship have you ever been threatened with a weapon?
* Have friends ever told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being?
* Do you live in fear of how this person will react to things you say or do?
* Does this person make "jokes" that shame, humiliate, belittle, or embarrass you? Even after you’ve asked him/her to stop?
* Did your partner grow up witnessing abusive parental relationships, and/or was he/she abused as a child?
* Does your partner seethe when s/he feels hurt, shame, fear or loss of control?
* Do you feel like this relationship is like being on a rollercoaster?
* Do you have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know it's necessary and friends beg you to stop?
* Does this person accuse you of being unfaithful or flirting with others when you aren’t?
* Does this person have affairs? Does this person try to justify them?
* Does this person control all finances and force you to account for what you spend when there is no legitimate reason?
* Has this person ever destroyed or taken your personal property or sentimental items hostage?

If you checked even one of these questions, it is likely that your relationship is dysfunctional. With as few as 3 checks, you have a serious issue where some type of counseling is strongly recommended.

If you checked any of these, how will you deal with these issues in your relationship?

Today’s Truth: If you are holding on to a relationship for dear life, you’re holding the wrong person, it’s the wrong time, or you’re not ready for a healthy connection. If you choose inappropriate partners you’re not ready to commit to a healthy relationship.

Radiant Baby - My Eighth Entry

I don’t know if anyone reading this will immediately know the name Keith Haring. He was an artist in New York City during the 1980’s who reached fame as a graffiti artist and latter as an artist/entrepreneur. Last Saturday night we went to the New Stage Collective’s performance of a musical based on his life called ‘Radiant Baby’. The depiction was funny, sad, intriguing, and well worth seeing if you are in Cincinnati.

I can’t pretend to be a theatre critic, but with a nearly zero budget and a cast that had strengths and weaknesses, Alan Patrick Kenney staged and directed what was a totally engaging, creative and thought provoking 2hour and 15 minute two act musical. I thought it was brilliant. I nearly forgot that I was in a loft theatre in Cincinnati and found myself observing the intense, energizing, edgy 1980’s of Haring’s New York.

As a psychologist, I found myself focused on the creative, decadent, self-absorbed and flawed character of Haring who found redemption in his work and friendships. He fought with his demons, his illness and his depression to leave a mark on those who he touched. I walked into the show knowing little about Haring, I walked away knowing more about the artist, more about people and most important, more about myself. Thank you, Alan.

Today’s Truth: Even the most talented, wealthy and beautiful of us is still flawed. Don’t allow yourself to compare the way you feel to the way others look. You develop a very imperfect comparison.